Funny Jokes - School and College
School and College
Music history according to students
1. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.2. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better
not try to sing.
3. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
4. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
5. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.
7. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
8. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is
unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
9. An opera is a song of bigly size.
10. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he
really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live
happily ever after.
11. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing
eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
12. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
13. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
14. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said
he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
15. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps onthe odium.
16. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
17. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
18. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and McCoys.
19. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
20. My favorite composer is Opus.
21. A harp is a nude piano.
22. A tuba is much larger than its name.
23. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
24. You should always say "celli" when you mean there are two or more cellos.
25. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick
with the first name and learn it good.
26. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
27. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
28. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass
fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
29. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds.
So would anybody.
30. Question: What are kettle drums called?
Answer: Kettle drums.
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Nightmare Final Exam Questions
1. Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Usingthis language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this
exam for you.
2. History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the
present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic,
religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and
Africa. Be brief and concise, yet specific.
3. Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and
given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system
has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the
problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
4. Pre-Med: You will be provided with a rusty razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a full bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Don't
suture until your work as been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
5. Public Speaking: Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aboriginies are
storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latin, Hebrew, or Greek.
6. Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with
special attention to the probably effect, if any, on the English
parliamentary system circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
7. Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and
building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build
a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform
are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
8. Music: Write a full piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a
clarinet and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
9. Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their early works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and
Gregory of Nicea. Support your evaluation with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary totranslate.
10. Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at
your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are
two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the
wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as
soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We
feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
11. Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might be
associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.
12. Mechanical Engineering: The disassembled parts of a howitzer have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal
tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your actions.
13. Economics: Describe in four hundred words or less what you would have
done to prevent the Great Depression.
14. Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a
straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations
had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
15. Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.
16. Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
17. Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook
paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should
be true to life.
18. Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
in-depth evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.
19. Metaphysics: Describe in detail the nature of life after death.
Test your hypothesis.
20. Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought and estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
21. General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be specific.
22. Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
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Sorority Girl Jokes
1. What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?Her ankles.
2. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
3. How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.
4. What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
5. What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
6. What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
7. What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
8. How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
9. What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
10. What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
11. Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
12. How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a
twinkie on the bed.
13. Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
14. A sorority girl was hitch-hiking along an empty desert highway. After
five or six cars had passed her without even slowing down, she decided
she really wanted out of there. She decided upon the quickest way to
get someone's gang. The gang spotted her, and acted quickly. They
dragged her off into a side canyon and gang-dressed her.
15. What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
16. What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
17. What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
18. What is a sorority girl's mating call?
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
19. What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
20. What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl?
Nothing.
There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.
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Things (NOT) to Do or Say at or for Your Thesis Defense
1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
6. Stage your own death/suicide.
7. Lead the specators in a Wave.
8. Have a sing-a-long.
9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
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Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University
1. He only had one major publication.2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
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You know you are out of college when...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in twin-sized beds seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. :00 AM is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
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Real excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling)
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.Please execute him.
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered
by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)
(dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because
I don't know what size she wears.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to
get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must
be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His
father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed
with the doctor.
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Learning Addition
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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