Funny Jokes - School and College
School and College
Best and Worst Comments Taken From MIT Course Evaluation Guide
1. "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."
4. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
5. "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
6. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
7. "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"
8. "Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should
proofread it."
9. "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the
way I felt all term."
10. "This class was a religious experience for me...I had to take it all on
faith."
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Cool Things to Do in a Shower Stall
1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly,exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes
get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt
tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of
the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full
force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your
shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim
"Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the
blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then
return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next
stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will
cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the
bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks
in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to
knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had
some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your
stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person
showering.
10. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the
duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
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Differences Between High School and College
1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school.
In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.
3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.
4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at
the teacher's guide.
5. In college, there are no tardy slips.
6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you
get to live with your friends.
7. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.
8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
9. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to
choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the
prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.
10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way
out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
11. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in
college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
12. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade
than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back.
In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.
14. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,
senior guys hit on freshman girls.
15. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
16. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of
the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she
will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.
17. Once you've obtained the information described in #16, it's much more time
-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will
be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
18. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
19. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
20. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
21. College guys are cuter than high school boys.
22. College women are legal.
23. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need
a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
24. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed.
In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
25. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
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Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class
1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.2. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream
"MY PACEMAKER!"
3. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
4. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
5. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't
hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
6. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?"
7. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
"tsk, tsk".
8. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
9. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
10. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
11. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
12. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.
13. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
14. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."
15. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps
would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
16. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
17. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead
of you as you pace back and forth.
18. Address students as "worm".
19. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any
moment.
20. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping,
and begin singing spirituals.
21. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a
waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
22. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's
name, rank, and serial number.
23. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
24. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks
a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
25. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space
for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your
sentence and proceed normally.
26. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your
hands.
27. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
28. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
29. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
30. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class
projects.
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Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Week of Class Continued...
31. Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN andcode all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
32. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers
McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question,
walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
33. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
34. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
35. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
36. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
37. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
38. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten
minutes.
39. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the
funk".
40. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
41. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
42. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be
required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark
through Armenia, for next class.
43. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet.
Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
44. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
45. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
46. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
47. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I
picked up in the field".
48. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream,
"Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
49. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for
attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday
was the last day to drop.
50. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
51. Use a graduate student to bang cymbals every time your name is mentioned.
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Fun Things to Do in a Final That Does Not Matter
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say,"oh geez, better get cracking," and do some gibberish work. Turn it in
a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative.
Use the intregral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO
sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy and play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every
question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds
that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I have to leave
the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very
small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, "Merry Christmas."
If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost
the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them
stay, and be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE,
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor
that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour
to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell
him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my
head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a
white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until
they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
right to take the exam.
The list continues below
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31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, "you
don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives
is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River
Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If
it is a written exam, relate everything you your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...like
history notes for a calculus exam...otherwise you're not just failing,
you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the
comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question,
and ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do
before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray
to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you
every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you--desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked
to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to us the phrase, "Told you so."
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks."
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Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving itand saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.
28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
30. Watch the professor through binoculars.
The list continues below
31. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even if it's Smith. Claim that the "i" is silent.
34. Sit in the front row, reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,
volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's
reply and proceed to do so anyway.
36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.
37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Sign-up Sheet
#" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before
taking your seat.
41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
42. Disassemble your pen. "Accidentally" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.
47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask "Did he have any children?"
48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you can't see Macedonia.
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Ivy League Lightbulb Jokes
1. How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?Two -- one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
2. How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eleven -- one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.
3. How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- Hanover doesn't have electricity.
4. How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two -- One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
5. How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
6. How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seventy-six -- one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest
the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
a counter-protest.
7. How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?
None -- New Haven looks better in the dark.
8. How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
9. How many University of Nevada, Reno students does it take to change
a ligthbulb?
One.
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