Funny Jokes - Religious
Religious
Religious joke #11033
JESUS came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death. Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."An old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The young lady collapsed dead.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, mother, sometimes you really p*** me off."
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Religious joke #11032
As a devout Catholic, Maria doesn't use condoms with her husband. So over theyears, they have had 17 children. After the husband died, Maria remarried and
had another 22 kids with her second husband before he too dies. Eventually,
Maria's time also came.
At her wake, the priest looked tenderly at Maria lying in her coffin. Then, he
looked up into the heavens and said, "At last... they are finally together."
A man standing next to the priest looked confused and asked, "Father, what do
you mean? Do you mean Maria and her first husband? Or her second husband?"
Says the priest: "I mean her legs."
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In the beginning...
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald's, and McDonald's brought forth the $3.20 double-cheeseburger, and Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?", and Man said, "Super size them."
And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese, and there was ice cream for dessert.
And Woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken- fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds, and his cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to work to change channels.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fat fried them. He created sour cream dip also, and Man clutched his remote control, and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw that and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...
And Satan created private health insurance ....
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Signs your amish teen's in trouble
Sometimes stays in bed till after 5 am.
In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
Shows up at barn raisings in full "Marilyn Manson" makeup.
When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to alternative!."
You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
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A hitch-hikers guide to Islam
Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.
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Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?
Why did the pilgrim eat a candle?Because he wanted to eat a light snack
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Trucker and Priest
One time there was this truck driver. Every time this trucker saw a hitchhiker he would swerve over and hit them. One time though, the trucker had a priest in his truck. He saw a pedestrian and swerved over to hit him, but quickly swerved back. He told the priest, "Forgive me father, for I almost hit a man!" The priest said, "Its okay, I got him with the door!"Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11806.html
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Church Bulletin Bloopers
These are all real bloopers from Church Bulletins.1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4, Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
18. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
19. Our next song is "Angles We Have Heard Get High."
20. Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
24. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
25. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
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