Funny Jokes - Relationships
Relationships
Relationships joke #11020
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, becauseeventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you
murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
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Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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How to take proper care of a lady
1.When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes, and girls love That.2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness(or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things, they usually mean the most. Then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewellery is for pussy's and Asian ladies.
7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words fcuk you and grab the other girls arse. Girls love competition.
8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because I can."
9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special nicknames.
10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.
11. Warm her up when she's cold...and not by giving her your jacket...then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop b*tching about the cold right now you're going to be b*tching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.
12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls?
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like basketball.
15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.
16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way she'll go crazy.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt and say "No she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a spontaneous guy.
20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking about.
22. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.
23. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
24. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that much but I think it's funny.
25. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will, promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny
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Pregnancy
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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Little boy's curiosity
One day a little boy was in the shower with his mother. He asked her "What are those things on you chest?"The mother said "Ask your father."
Later on the next day the boy asks his father "what are those things on mommys chest?"
The father replied. "Those are balloons."
While the Boy was outside repairing a car with his father. The dad says go get a wrench from inside of the house.
The little boy goes inside and then returns screaming.
"Dad!! Dad! Come quick! Uncle henry is blowing mommys balloons and she is screaming"
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From 1 to 140 in 2 seconds
My wife didn't like the car I bought her. She said she wanted something that went from 1 to 140 in 2 seconds... so I bought her a set of bathroom scales.Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11771.html
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The Perfect Day - For Him and Her
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.
09:15 Soothing hot baths with frangipani bath oil.
10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
13:00 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg.
15:00 Nap
16:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.
17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full-length mirror.
19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
22:00 hot shower (alone)
22:50 Carried to bed.(Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen)
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM
06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blowjob
06:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
07:00 Breakfast, rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by naked buxom wench.
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Several whiskys on-route to airport
09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
09:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
09:45 Play front nine (2 under)
11:45 Lunch. Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and bottle of Dom Perignon.
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskys)
14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo
15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
16:30 Land world record Marlin (1,800 lbs on light tackle)
17:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.
18:45 Shit, shower and shave
19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated, marijuana and porn legalised.
19:30 Dinner, lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy steak followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits.
21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day. Ireland beating England 13-0.
21:30 Line of coke, sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snack and cleansing ale.
23:30 A nightcap blow job
23:45 In bed alone
23:50 A 12 second fart which changes pitch 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.
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Baby photographer
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub; living room; floor; No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh .equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
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