Funny Jokes - Redneck Jokes
Redneck Jokes
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign ................ What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria ............... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium ................. What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan ................ Searching for the cat.
Cauterize .......... Made eye contact with her.
Colic ............... A sheep dog.
Coma ............... A punctuation mark.
D&C ................ Where Washington is.
Dilate ............. To live longer than your kids do.
Enema ............. Not a friend.
Fester ............ Quicker than someone else.
Fibula ............ A small lie.
G.I.Series ......... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail ........... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent ........... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain .......... Getting hurt at work.
Morbid .............. A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates ............ Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff ....... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node .................... I knew it.
Outpatient .............. A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear ................ A fatherhood test.
Pelvis ................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative ........... A letter carrier.
Recovery Room .... Place to do upholstery.
Secretion ....... Hiding something.
Tablet .......... A small table to change babies on.
Seizure .......... Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness .... Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor ............... More than one.
Urine ............... Opposite of mine.
Varicose ............ Near by.
Hospital ............ The biggest building in town, other than Ed's feed warehouse.
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Redneck Jokes joke #11008
You have just received the Reneck Virus. Because we don't use electricity, we don't have any computers or programming experience, so this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation and..... God bless you.
The Computer Engineering Department.
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Redneck Jokes joke #11009
ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.
ever: each, as in "She's bin crine ever day since JJ run off".
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.
nekkid: to be unclothed.
ole well: a source of petroleum.
own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).
paypuh: what you write on.
shevuhlay: a General Motors car.
spearmint: something scientists do.
stow: establishment where things are sold.
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.
uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka.
zackly: precisely
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Redneck Jokes joke #11010
In the back woods of Kentucky, the rednecks wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
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Redneck Jokes joke #11011
Log On: Making a wood stove hot
Log Off: Too much wood on a fire
Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove
Download: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck
Megahertz: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood
Floppy disc: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood
Ram: That thar thang what splits the farwood
Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time
Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season
Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
Chip: Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
Mousepad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives
Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof
Port: Fancy flatlander wine
Enter: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
Click: What you hear when you cock yer gun
Double Click: When you cock the double barrel
Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you have to go to the outhouse.
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Texan Vs Harvard Graduate
Texan: “Where are you from?”Harvard graduate: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “OK, where are you from, Jackass?”
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From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage
3. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill, or Mad Dog 20-20.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
5. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
6. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
7. You have ever had an X-Wing up on blocks in your yard.
8. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
9. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
10. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
11. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
12. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the darkside... it'll be a hoot."
13. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defenseelectro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
14. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
15. You think Han Solo would look better in flannel cause he looks a little sissy in that vest.
16. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
17. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to slide in through the window.
18. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
19. You ever fell in love with your sister.
20. You have ever referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
21. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
22. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck.
23. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
24. In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."
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