Funny Jokes - Redneck Jokes
Redneck Jokes
An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck
An Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck constuction worker all sat down one day to eat their lunch on top of a building they were working on.
The Italian opens his lunch and looks in and says, "Pastrami again! If I get pastrami one more day, I'm gonna jump off this building."
The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Tamales again! If I get tamales one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The Redneck opens his lunch and says, "Peanut butter and jelly again! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more day, I am gonna jump off this building."
The next day at lunch, the Italian opens his lunch and finds pastrami, so he jumps off the building.
The Mexican opens his lunch and finds tamales, so he jumps off the building.
The Redneck opens his lunch and finds peanut butter and jelly, so he jumps off the building.
Later, at the funeral the Italian's wife cries out, "I didn't know he disliked pastrami so much!"
The Mexican's wife cries out, "I wish I knew he was so sick of tamales!"
The redneck wife says, "Hey, don't look at me, he always fixed his own lunch!"
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Redneck Jokes joke #11000
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services.
So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "We don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "You are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st century!"
"Well," the young man says, "You hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
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Redneck Jokes joke #11001
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.
This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Oh, Crap!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were...
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
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Redneck Jokes joke #11002
Dear Bobby Ray,
I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for four days, and the second time for six days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Tom locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your Father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother...........
Uncle Charlie fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off valiantly and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ray was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Redneck Jokes joke #11003
Lou Ann passed away and Billy Bob called 911. The 911 operator told Billy Bob that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Billy Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause, and finally Billy Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Pine Street and you pick her up there?"
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Redneck Jokes joke #11004
It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Bubba.
As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40, with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20.
Bubba, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83.
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Georgia, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet.
Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Bubba rattled off the alphabet right to W.
That evening, Bubba once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "Son, that's because you are from Georgia."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Bubba noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Georgia?"
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."
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Redneck Jokes joke #11005
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.
The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles! Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
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Redneck Jokes joke #11006
Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.
They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. He said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."
One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 150 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"
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