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Political Jokes
Bush's tragedy
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
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50 ways to annoy osama bin laden...
50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden...
Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
Mine his bathroom.
Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"
copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss
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Family jewels
Erik Williams, 21, of the 3600 block of South Michigan Avenue, was arrested in Chicago on May 18 and charged with sexually assaulting (forced fellatio) a 42-year-old woman.
The victim arrived at a police station in the early morning hours clutching, in her hand, testicles that she had just bitten off.
At about the same time, Williams showed up at Michael Reese Hospital missing his testicles.
Doctors confirmed that the testicles were Williams' but were unable to reattach them.
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Laura and george at baseball game
George and Laura are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming.
One of the President's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point George stands up and throws Laura out onto the field.
The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch."
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Abortion bill
Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
Ah thought ah paid it!
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George w - college days
George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."
"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."
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Hilliary Clinton Chicken Meal
The Hilliary Clinton Chicken meal from KFC consists of two large thighs, two small breasts and a left wingJoke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11510.html
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Politics: Heaven and Hell
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
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