Funny Jokes - Political Jokes
Political Jokes
Stupid funny quotes
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
"My fellow astronauts..."
--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements."
--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist"
--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad."
--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."
--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."
--James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
"What he does on his own time is up to him."
--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
"Facts are stupid things."
--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.
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I want to become a politician
I want to become a politician when I grow up so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire, but
I've only come up with one: Lying.
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Jesus's ethnicity
Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.
Proof That Jesus Was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
Proof That Jesus Was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion and finally
Proof that Jesus Was Black:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
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The 10 commandments in ebonics
1. I be God. Don' be dissin me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama...an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin.
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Clinton and the beer cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,
"There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed, and I don't want you to look in it until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it.
She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?"
Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."
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What did george w. bush get on his s.a.t.'s
Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A. Drool.
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Genie and the taliban
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said
the genie.
The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."
George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."
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Things found only in america
1. Only in America...... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America...... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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