Funny Jokes - Miscellaneous Jokes
Miscellaneous Jokes
English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
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New Joke Writing Rules
Some of you have noticed a few typos on Funny-Jokes.net every now and then. To improve this I am implementing a new set of rules for editing.01. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
02. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
03. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
04. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
05. Avoid clichés like the plague (they're old hat).
06. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
07. Be more or less specific.
08. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
09. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than
necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical
words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put
forth earth shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I
hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand
times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million
can use it correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And the last one...
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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