Funny Jokes - Gender Jokes
Gender Jokes
The silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Last minute turkey
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
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Pass the salt darling
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."
The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name.
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Dying man's last pleasure
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
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A man's worst nightmare
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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Today is my birthday
I woke up early feeling a little depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "Another year older", but decided to make the best of it.
So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say Happy Birthday, dear.
All smiles, I went into breakfast and there sat my wife reading the newspaper as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee and thought to myself, oh well, she just forgot.
The kids will be in in a few minutes all cheery and they will sing Happy Birthday and have a nice gift for me. There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited.
Finally the kids came running in yelling, "Give me a slice of toast", "I'm late", "Where is my coat", and "I'm going to miss the bus". Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a smile and a "Happy Birthday, Boss" and said, "I'll get you some coffee". Her remembering made me feel a lot better.
Later in the morning my secretary knocked on my office door, and said, "Since it's your birthday why don't we have lunch together.
Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea".
So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place."
So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way place and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch, and started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place and I will fix you another martini."
It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have anything to do in the office anyway. So we went to her apartment and she fixed us both a martini and after a while she said "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.
In six minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake and following her was my wife and all my kids, and there I sat with nothing on but my socks!!!
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Man who loved baked beans
Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.
One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.
Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.
On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.
He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.
On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.
He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.
Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he
wouldn't peek.
She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.
Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.
He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad, he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.
He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked uo his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.
After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.
When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.
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Top 10 things not to say to a cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
5. I pay your salary!
6. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
7. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
8. Officer, I swear to drunk I'm god!!
9. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
10. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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