Funny Jokes - Gender Jokes
Gender Jokes
A woman's prayer
Lord, before I lay me down to sleep I pray for a man, who's not a creep;
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end, and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray to my bed, I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.
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Women's language translated
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You�ll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What's wrong?: The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!
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Coincidence on a city bus
A pregnant lady was travelling on a bus. The man opposite her stared and laughed at her.
The embarassed lady moved herself to the next seat. Then the man burst with laughter.
She went to Court and sued him for damages.
In his defense, the man told the Judge, "My Lord! If you were in my place, you would have done the same thing."
The judge, for the sake of the case, got on the bus, at the same stop, and the scene was reinacted.
The Judge could not control his laughter and dismissed the case.
The advertisement display board above the first seat for a shaving stick soap Company read, "Williams stick did the trick."
The advertisement display board above the second seat for Dunlop Tyre Company read, "Rubber Goods would have saved the trouble."
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Revenge is sweet
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love.
He asked his wife to move out, with the understanding that he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
The first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases.
The second day she had the movers come and collect her things.
The third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining room table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room, and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned the kitchen and left.
The husband came back with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; they cleaned, mopped, and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in; the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally,they couldn't take it any more, and decided to move.
The Moving Company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.
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Honey, i want a divorce
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck.
Again the wife speeds up to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "So what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says,...
"The airbag."
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Road hazard
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.
As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.
This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.
She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"
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Mistakes
Why did God create men first? Because we learn from mistakes.
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Birthday girl
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying, she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So that's what Joe did.
The next day at the bar, his buddy said, "Well, did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said Joe.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door, yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!"
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