Funny Jokes - Gender Jokes
Gender Jokes
Friendship among Women and Men
Friendship among Women:A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there
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ABC's of ex girlfriends
Ais for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.
D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K
stands for Kill.
L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.
N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?
O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.
W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.
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Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
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Why women are called housekeepers
Do you know why women are called housekeepers?..... After the divorce they keep the house.
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A woman's night before xmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking and moanin and twitchin.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got forty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing; Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done, My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, spilling bourbon on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret, Says, "What's taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain, And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh damn it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter! And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
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Men are like...
Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like blenders.
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like government bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.
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Three sisters
Once upon a time there were three sisters, ages 92,94 and 96, and they all lived together.
One night the 96 year old ran a bath. She put one foot in and paused. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yelled.
The 94 year old hollered back, "I don't know, I'll come see." She started up the stairs and stopped. She shouted, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The 92 year old sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters shook her head and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and knocked on wood for good measure.
Then she yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Letter to tide
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it ever since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best.
Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it is even better. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started to become a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!
I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Signed,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
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