Funny Jokes - Computer Jokes
Computer Jokes
Computer dictionary part i
BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."
BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.
BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.
CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.
CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"
DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.
ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."
EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").
HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.
RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.
TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch because you spent all your money on new software.
TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
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Imigration test
You know how they use to give immigrants a test when they came to America?
Well the last question on the test was to use pink, green and yellow in a sentence.
So when the Mexican had his turn he answered the last question: "When the phone goes 'GREEN GREEN GREEN' I PINK it up and say 'YELLOW?'"
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Computers Are Like Units
* It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.* If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.
* It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses- and confuses- yours.
* We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
* If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.
* Some people have it, some don't
* People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off- and they think those who don't have it want it.
* People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.
* Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.
* Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!
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Dial-up is a lot like giving birth
Dial-up is a lot like giving birth. It's painful, slow, and you'll probably scream and bleed at some point, but at least at the end you're rewarded with a naked person.Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11837.html
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Things computers can do in movies
1. Word processors never display a cursor.2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.
4. All monitors display inch-high letters.
5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.
6. Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.
8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)
9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.
10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)
11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.
12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.
13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.
14. You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE" function. (See "Demolition Man".)
15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.
16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.
18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").
19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.
20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)
21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.
22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have (See "Aliens".)
23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.
24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.
25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.
26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001")
27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are returned.)
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True story from the WordPerfect Help line
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for termination without Cause. This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations)Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble? >
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a
little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall.
Yes, it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well , there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable.
Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer.
I can't reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from
the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
No? Why not?
Because there's a power failure.
A power....... a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it hacked now.
Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came
in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
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Computer Heaven and Hell
In Computer Heaven:The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.
In Computer Hell:
The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.
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