Funny Jokes - Clean Jokes
Clean Jokes
The Magician and the Parrot
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked on-stage and squawked, "It's in his sleeve!"
The magician chased the bird away.
The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked on-stage and declared, "It's in his pocket!"
The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.
The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.
They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, "I give up, what'd you do with the ship?"
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An APB on God
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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Coming in to land a plane
JB was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Sincehe had little experience flying in small planes, he was
nervous when his craft approached a landing strip in a
snow-covered area.
The pilot descended to just a couple
hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled
back. While his heart pounded, the passenger beside JB seemed
calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," JB remarked.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the
calm man replied.
As they made a second approach, JB glanced out the window.
"It looks plowed to me," he commented.
"No," his seatmate answered, "It hasn't been cleared for
some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," JB was informed, "I'm the guy who drives the
plow."
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Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"
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First Cut is the Deepest
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?""I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.
"Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"
"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"
"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.
"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
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Evil Leprechaun
The golf course was haunted by a malicious, evil leprechaun who exploited the ambitions of the poorer players. He popped up beside one unfortunate man who was participating in a club competition."Look," he said, "if you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."
"Done," shouted the young golfer. The leprechaun was very pleased with conniving ways, and chuckled merrily.
When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker. "Hey," said the little elf, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"
"Father Murphy," grinned the golfer as he adjusted his Roman collar.
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The Talking Clock
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, acollege student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his
friends asked.
"That is the talking clock."
"How does it work?"
"Watch," replied the student, who then proceeded to give the
gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Almost immediately, someone screamed from the other side of
the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF! IT IS 2 AM IN THE MORNING!"
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The doctor and the old man
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's doordue to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the
gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking
in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood
clots forming in the leg veins.
In complete submission, the nurses walked the patient in the
hall as ordered, but after the third day the nurse reported
back to the doctor about how the patient complained bitterly
each time they walked him.
However, this did not sway the surgeon, who directed them to
continue walking the patient.
After a week, the patient was ready to go home. His family
came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for
what he had done for their father.
The surgeon was pleased and appreciated their gratefulness,
but told them that it was really a simple operation and he
had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they explained.
"Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
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