Funny Jokes - Clean Jokes
Clean Jokes
One Liners
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
If money could talk, it would say: goodbye.
If nobody knows the troubles you've seen,
- then you don't live in a small town.
If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand
- we'd be so simple we couldn't understand.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements.
Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
There are three dimensions to credit cards, length, width and debt.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came
to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again,
- it was probably worth it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
- is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
If you are longing for the 'good old days', you're there pal.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.
If you see a snake, just kill it. Don't appoint a committee on snakes. -
H. Ross Perot
When everything's coming your way,
- you're in the wrong lane.
Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy
If you put your nose to the grindstone, you'll get a flat face.
Life is tough, get a helmet
Be consistent (but not all the time)
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Never argue with a man carrying a water buffalo.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
You can't tell a book by its movie.
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11759.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Man and his Hummer
There was a guy who had just bought a brand new Hummer. When he driving down the street, a gang pulled him out of his vehicle.The leader of the gang told him to stay in a circle that he made or else he will destroy the Hummer.
So the guy stood there and the gang started to dent his Hummer with baseball bats.
The gang leader turned around and the guy in the circle was laughing. The leader got mad and started busting all the windows and when he turned around the guy in the circle was still laughing. He got really mad and started shooting the Hummer and hit the gas tank and the Hummer blew in flames.
When the leader turned around the guy in the circle was cracking. The leader said "Why are you laughing?" and the guy answered back "When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle 3 times!"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11803.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
3 tomatoes; a momma, a poppa and a baby
There were 3 tomatoes; a momma, a poppa and a baby. They were walking down the street and the baby tomato was falling behind and getting slower and slower. The poppa tomato finally got mad and went to the back where the baby tomato was and started jumping on him and said....Ketchup!!!Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11815.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Run out of gas
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that mycar wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passerby
told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I
took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in
the sweltering sun.
The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back
and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock
the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an
identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my
car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.
Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the
attendant suggested helpfully, "Instead of walking back and
forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple
of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11884.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Man in a hurry
A man was in a hurry while taking his 8-year-old son toschool. In his haste, he accidentally made a turn at a red
light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son replied. "The police car right
behind us did the same thing."
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11903.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Jack's singing wife
Jack's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the churchchoir. From time to time she would practice while she was in
the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on
a song, Jack would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Jack? Don't you like my singing?"
Jack replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want
to make sure the neighbours know I'm not beating you."
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11908.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?
Q: What's the hardest thing about rollerblading?A: Telling your parents you're gay.
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11931.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Bob wanted to be a cowboy
More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowboy. Taking pityon him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a
chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "Is a lariat. We use it
to catch cows."
"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he
examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11932.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...