Funny Jokes - Animal Jokes
Animal Jokes
Baby Elephant and a Baby Turtle
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a riverdeep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites
the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same
river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that
bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river.
The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle. "Why did you do that?" the
giraffe asks. "When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no
reason," the elephant replied. "Wow! You must have a good memory!"
exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
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Truth about cats
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11018.html
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Elephant Jokes
1. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?"Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
2. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
3. What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
"Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
4. What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?
An elephant is grey.
5. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
"Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)
6. How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.
7. What game do four elephants in a mini play?
Squash
8. How do you get an elephant into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.
How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?
1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.
9. How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
10. How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?
There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.
11. How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the footprints in the butter.
12. How do you get an elephant out of the water?
Wet.
13. How do you get two elephants out of the water?
One by one.
14. Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.
15. How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".
16. What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
Swim for it...
17. What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea.
18. What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Lots of room!
19. Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture
or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went
With His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
20. Hickory Dickory Dock,
An elephant ran up the clock,
The clock is being repaired.
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More Elephant Jokes
21. ELETELEPHONYonce there was an elephant
who tried to be a telephant;
no no, I mean an elephone
who tried to be a telephone.
(Dear me I am not certain quite
that even now i've got it right)
how e'r it was he got his trunk
entangled in the telephunk
the more he tried to get it free,
the louder buzzed the telephee.
(i fear i'd better quit this song
of elehop and telephong.)
22. Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
23. Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
24. Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
25. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
26. Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
27. Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
28. Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
29. Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
30. Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue,
and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
The list continues below
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31. Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: There's no such thing as a yellow elephant, stupid!
32. Q: Why do elephants paint their balls red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
33. Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: Giraffes eating cherries.
34. Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
35. Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
36. Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till Autumn.
37. Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
38. Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the first one.
39. Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
40. Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
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More Elephant Jokes
41. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?A: Chicken's day off.
42. Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
43. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
44. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
45. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
46. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
47. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
48. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
49. Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
50. Q: Why are elephants feet shaped the way they are?
A: To fit on lily pads.
51. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow natives.
52. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
53. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
54. Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
55. Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep don't have strings.
56. Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
57. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
58. Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
59. Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
60. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
61. Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
62. Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
63. Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
64. Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
65. Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
66. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.
67. Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.
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Store owner and the cat
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"I won't do it," said the proprietor firmly.
"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
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Seeing Eye Dogs
Bill and Derek are out walking their dogs. Bill has a German shepherd, while Derek is trailing with his Chihuahua. They've been out for a while and Bill suggests stopping in at cafe for some coffee."We can't go in there with the dogs," replies Derek.
"Sure we can," says Bill. "Just follow my lead."
Bill puts on his sunglasses and walks into Starbucks. A barrista stops him and says, "Sir, you can't bring a dog in here."
"This is my seeing-eye dog," says Bill, and the barrista lets him in.
Derek watches this exchange, shrugs and puts on his sunglasses. The same barrista meets him as soon as he gets in the door. "Sir, you can't bring a dog in here."
"This is my seeing-eye dog," says Derek.
Skeptically, the barrista says, "Your seeing-eye dog is a Chihuahua?"
"They gave me a CHIHUAHUA?!"
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Cat in Heaven
One day a cat loses its ninth life causes and goes to heaven.There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord them and makes the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could fit us with roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "No problem" and suddenly each mouse has a beautiful pair of roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing happily on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes him and asks, "How are things since you are here?"
The cat slowly stretches out his legs. "It’s wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected.” he replies, “And those Meals On Wheels you keep sending by are absolutely brilliant!!!"
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