Funny Jokes - Adult Jokes
Adult Jokes
Playing mommy and daddy
A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother for some ice cream.
The mother is having a bad day and snaps, "NO!". The little boy turns and runs into his room.
After a minute, the mother feels bad she snapped and knocks on his door.
"Johnny, I'm sorry I snapped at you. Do you want to play a game or something?"
"Sure," Johnny replies. "How about we play Mommy and Daddy?"
"OK," says the mother. "How do we play?"
"You go upstairs and lay down on your bed."
The mother figures this is harmless, so she agrees and goes upstairs.
Meanwhile, Johnny rummages throught the closet and finds his dad's hat and coat. He digs in the ashtray to find a long cigarette butt.
After dressing and putting the cigarette in his mouth, he swaggers up the stairs.
There, on the bed, is his mother. Johnny marches in, walks up to the bed, and says, "Get your butt out of bed and get that kid some ice cream!"
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The cab driver
A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.
"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.
The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? Their hookers. They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.
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I need a toaster
A woman is checking out at the hardware store with a picture frame. The clerk asks, "Do you want a screw for the picture frame?"
The woman replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
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3 fruit
Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.
God comes down to them and said, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.
God says to them, "Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."
The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."
The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples up his butt. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell, but I'm curious...why did you start laughing?"
And the man said then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."
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Bad student
A kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?"
He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher."
She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room.
His father comes home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?"
Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good."
The father says, "Well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job. We'll go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted."
They go the next day and get the bike.
Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck?"
The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck."
They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?"
The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."
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Twinkie
One day a young boy finds a condom on the floor. He brings is to his father and asks, "What is it?"
His father replies, "Oh, that's a twinkie son, if you find anymore bring them to me and I'll give you a quarter."
The next week the little boy returned to his mother's house with a lot of quarters.
His mother asks, "Where did you get all those quarters?"
The little boy answered, "Daddy gave them to me for finding twinkies for him, but what he doesn't know is, before I gave them to him, I sucked all the cream filling out.
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Aftertaste
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 6 shots of Jack Daniels.
The bartender asks "What's the occasion."
The guy says "Its my first blowjob."
The bartender says "Well if thats the case the 7th is on us."
The guy says "If that won't get the taste out nothing will."
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Suitable punishment
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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