Funny Jokes - Adult Jokes
Adult Jokes
The blind man
It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.
As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.
The second said what if someone should come?
The first said we'll lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.
The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back "It is the blind man."
The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man can't see anything and let him in, at which time the man says "Nice tits sisters, where do you want these blinds?"
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Old dilapidated boat
Joe and John were identical twins.
Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.
One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.
He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.
A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."
"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."
"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."
"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."
"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."
"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."
"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."
"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."
The old woman fainted.
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Pork
Q: What is green, fury, and smells like pork?
A: Kermitt the Frog's fingers.
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Halloween
Why don't witches wear panties on Halloween?
So they can grip their broomsticks tighter!
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Chicken and horse
A chicken and a horse are playing in a field. The horse falls into a mudpuddle and can't get out.
He tells the chicken to go get the farmer so he can pull the horse out. The chicken looks for the farmer but can't find him.
The chicken takes the keys to the farmer's mecedes and brings it to the horse. The chicken ties a rope to the bumper and pulls the horse out.
A few days later the horse and the chicken are playing in the field again, only this time the chicken falls in the mudpuddle.
He tells the horse to go get the farmer to get him out. The horse tells the chicken he has a better idea instead.
The horse stands over the chicken and tells him to grab his tool, and he will pull him out. The chicken did and pulled himself out.
The moral to the story is:
If you are hung like a horse, then you don't need a mercedes to pick up chicks!
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Kid and animals
There was a teacher who was teaching young kids the different types of animals.
She showed them the picture of a giraffe, and asked them what it was. Nobody answered..so she gave them a clue, "It has a long neck." One kid answered, "Giraffe!"
Pleased, the teacher showed a picture of a zebra.
Nobody answered it again, so she gave them a clue. "This animal has stripes." "Zebra!" one kid answered.
So she put up another one, that of a deer.
The teacher could not think of a clue..but suddenly she came up with one!..she asked them "what does your mother call your father?"
Suddenly one child got up and answered "HORNY BASTARD!"
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Gnomes
When is a Gnome not a Gnome?
When he's got his head up a Fairy's dress he's a Goblin!
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Bad day...
A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.
The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."
The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.
That night, the kid says "Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.
The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says, "Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."
The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.
At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses into a chair.
He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the doorstep!"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11230.html
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