Funny Jokes - Adult Jokes
Adult Jokes
The horse rancher
A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
He shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11215.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Healing powers
An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was
talking about the healing powers of God.
"To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed.
The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V.
The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11216.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
The perfect pair
The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.
She takes off her top and says,
"Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm proud to own them."
St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.
She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.
St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. She screams,
"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene
act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"
"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter,
"But a royal flush beats a pair any day."
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11217.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Parrrot boy & daddy
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who
started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful
clothing.
He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with
red,green,& yellow with feathers.
The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, "Hey, old man, what are you lookin'at,eh? Didn't you do
anything strange when you were a teenager?"
"Well, yeah," the old man answered. "Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I can't help but think that maybe you're my son.
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11218.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Dirty minds
Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11219.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Cucumber&pickle
A cucumber and a pickle were having a conversation.
The pickle said to the cucumber, "I got it bad man, everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get seasoned and put in a jar."
The cucumber said to the pickle, "Well everytime I get big, fat and juicy I get chopped up and out over salad."
The penis walks by and overhears them and says, "I got it worse than you both. When I get big, fat and juicy I get put in a dark, smelly room and they make me do push-ups till I throw up."
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11220.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
Jack-o-lantern
Q: How come a Jack-o-lantern can't have a baby.
A: Because he has a hollow weenie
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11221.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...Email this joke to your friends!
The farmer and the drifter
There was a farmer working on his fence when a drifter stopped to chat.
The drifter told the farmer that he was awfully thirsty and asked if he could have a bucket to go get some milk from the milkweed in his field.
The farmer chuckled, and said,
"Hell boy, if you think you can get milk from milkweed, I'll give you two buckets!"
Shaking his head and laughing the farmer watched him walk down through the field.
He yelled for his wife to come outside. " Honey, there is a dumbass out yonder thinkin' he's gonna get milk from milkweed!"
The farmer's wife giggled,"There's nothing wrong with having an imagination."
The farmer started working on his fence again. About 30 minutes later the drifter came carrying two buckets of milk.
"I sure do appreciate it, sir. Some honey sure would be good with this milk. I see that you have honeysuckle over there", said the drifter.
Puzzled, the farmer said, "Well, now I guess you're thinkin' you gonna get honey out of honeysuckles."
"Only with your permission, sir."
Intrigued, the farmer hesitated, then went and got the drifter two more buckets.
The drifter went off through the field.
The farmer yelled for his wife to come outside again. "This milk here is a little hard to figure out, but I know good and damn well that boy's not gonna get honey from honeysuckles!"
Sure enough here the drifter came, with two buckets full of honey.
"Well, I'll be!", squeeled the farmer.
"If I could just trouble you one more time sir, then I'll be on my way... I see that you have some pussywillow over there."
"Wait up boy, I'm goin' with you!"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11222.html
Emailing Joke to Your Friends...