Funny Jokes - Accidents and Problems
Accidents and Problems
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Ernesto the caretaker
At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Sí, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE....................
"Ernesto if you broke that driver you're fired!"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11028.html
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Curiosity
A guy’s walking past an asylum, and can hear all the inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!”. He peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye. He yells in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!!!”.Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11040.html
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New Jersey Hunters
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11045.html
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3 kids at a bowling alley
There are three kids at a bowling alley one asks "Mommy why did you name me snowflake?"She replies, "Because a snowflake landed right on your head when you were born."
The next asks "Mommy why did you name me raindrop?"
She replies, "Because a rain drop landed right on your head when you were born."
The third one goes "ooooaaaaaaaaaaaaghft" and the mom says "Be quiet bowling ball!"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11833.html
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Not Hard To Believe
Over the last five years, the RTA have been covertly funding a project with car makers whereby the car makers have been installing "black boxes" in all high performance cars they have manufactured.This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes nationally were - "OH S*$@!"
Only fatal crashes in the Melbourne suburbs of Footscray, Preston, St Albans, Sunshine, and Keilor were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were -
"WATCH THIS BRO"
Joke Permalink: http://www.funny-jokes.net/viewjoke/11872.html
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